Big Bad Dolfo Daddy

My ex-boss Don wasn't the most pleasant employers to work for. I had to put up with that overweight, nicotine puffer for six years and all the while I've had to keep quiet, swallow my pride, and do what he said as much as I really wanted to say "go screw yourself" but I really needed the job because the American economy sucks. However, he eventually decided to release me recently. He released me and another employee just to let some workers go to save money. I held a grudge against him for not only kicking me to the curb but for what felt like enslavement for those years. On the bright side, I didn't have to put up with him anymore but I just wish I could've had the last laugh by getting a much better job then saying "I quit" but he beat me to it by letting me go before I could. I really wished I could've been the one laughing in the end but what's done is done. Now that Don and UPS are in the past, I could move on to greater things and didn't have to do what he ordered me to do. I didn't know it at the time but soon the two of us will meet again and perhaps this time I'll be the one laughing at him. Luckily for me, this is my story.

It all started when Don was talking to someone on the phone. It was a real estate agent Don was hoping would help him purchase some extra property in order to expand his company.
"Ah, that's fine, Larissa. Yes, I am willing to buy so I can make more money, err-I mean, expand my company," said Don.
It was naturally obvious what his true intention was.
"You say you'll be right over to talk it over? Fine, fine. I'll be waiting. See you then," said Don.
He hung up.
"Good. That woman will definitely convince that seller to sell. With the extra land, I can probably hire more workers. I'll have more money to go around. Or not!" Don joked.
He was going to impress the real estate agent as best as he could in order to get her to help him buy the land. Meanwhile, a commercial appeared on TV about a currently running sweepstakes.
"I hope all of you in America are ready because one lucky ducky will win the Lucky Duck Sweepstakes grand prize of $5,000! It could even be you!" the announcer stated.
Don just so happened to have a sweepstakes ticket for this contest.
"It will be me. With my luck, I can't lose," said Don.
He kissed the ticket for good luck. Not that he needed it, he felt.
"The Lucky Duck Sweepstakes could be coming to your house today. So be sure to have your ticket on hand," the announcer advised.
Don put his ticket in his pocket for safe keeping.
"Well I better tidy up the place in order to impress the agent. Gotta make a good impression, after all," Don thought.

After tidying up his humble abode, he was ready to expect Larissa and was eager to impress her. It was then that someone arrived at his doorstep, ringing the door bell repeatedly.
"That must be her right now," Don thought.
He went to answer the door.
"Gotta be kind and charming. Anything to impress the lovely lady," Don said to himself.
He opened to door to welcome Larissa.
"Welcome, Lariss... a?" Don welcomed.
Larissa was standing in the doorway and appeared to be a rather large, unattractive woman looking at Don sourly with her arms crossed. Don was not at all impressed by her appearance.
"Well, looks aren't everything, ya know," Don said to the viewer. Then he turned back to Larissa and said "Please come in, Larissa. I've been expecting you."
"Boo!" Larissa scoffed.
Don escorted Larissa into his home.

The two gathered in Don's living room to discuss things and see if Don could get Larissa to get the seller to sell.
"Alright, Larissa. I want to purchase the property next to my company in order to expand and make my company larger. In this tough economy, companies are fighting for money and I figured I could make more by expanding, therefore allowing more room for processing, handling, and delivering. You see what I mean?" Don explained.
"Boo!" Larissa replied in disdain.
"So I'm hoping that you can convince the land lord to sell me his property. I'll pay as much as I have to. Not too much, of course," Don continued.
"Boo, I say!" Larissa reiterated.
She did not feel at all up to helping Don right now. Something seemed to be troubling her.
"Is something wrong, Larissa?" Don asked.
"No! Everything's fine!" Larissa lashed.
"Good. Because I was hoping to purchase this land immediately before someone else beats me to it. Especially FedEx," Don continued.
"You stupid cheapskate! Everything is not fine! Is your company all you care about?!" Larissa snapped at Don.
"What did I do?" Don asked.
"All of you men are the same! You care about nothing more than yourselves! Land and money! That's all you care about! You men disgust me!" Larissa cried.
"What's wrong with us?" Don wondered.
Larissa then started to throw a tantrum and trashed Don's living room in a fit of fury, breaking a vase, knocking things off his shelves, snapping a chair in half, and then began to cry on his couch.
"Barnaby! I never should have trusted him!" Larissa cried.
"Who's Barnaby?" Don asked.
"He never loved me! Not the way I loved him! All men are swine! Pigs!" Larissa cried even louder.
Don covered his ears to drown out Larissa's wailing. He left the living room, leaving Larissa behind to wallow in despair for the loss of her previous lover. She seemed to be going through a phase of heartbreaking and was not in any mood to help Don out. Don didn't want to have to put up with her little tantrums, especially if she was going to trash his home like it was her own.
"I made a mistake letting this crazy woman into my house. So she lost her man, big deal," Don said unsympathetic.
Larissa's crying grew louder, really hurting Don's ears. She knocked over his huge, flatscreen television in a fit. A very expensive one, at that.
"My TV!" Don cried.
That was the last straw. Don wanted this woman to either shut up or get out of his home. Though she was too broken up to even budge.
"Blasted woman. If she doesn't shut up, I'll never be able to buy," Don thought.
Larissa was just too sad and lonely to get over her relationship with a guy she thought loved her.
"Maybe if she had another guy to get her to stop her wailing?" Don thought.
But who exactly? It couldn't be Don himself. He's married. Then he looked out of his window and who did he just so happen to see? None other than me, his former employee, happily strolling and dancing down the street. This gave Don an idea and he grinned menacingly and chuckled.

I was on my way back home, while singing and spinning down the road.
"Girl, please excuse me if I'm coming too strong. But tonight is the night we can really let go," I sang.
That was when Don showed up.
"Rod! Rodolfo! Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer!" Don greeted.
I immediately froze.
"If that's who I think it is, I'll just pretend he's not there," I told myself.
I turned and saw Don right behind me.
"How ya doin', old friend?" Don asked innocently.
"What are you trying to butter me up for, Don?" I asked suspiciously.
"Just wanted to catch up with a former employee," Don replied.
"You told me to get lost and never come back to you. You're coming back to me? If you're here to convince me to come back, forget it. You let me go and that's that. I'm through being your slave," I told him.
"I promise you that I'm not here to ask for you to come back."
"Then what do you want?"
"I need you to come over to my house right away."
"For what? To unclog your shower drain? No way."
"Oh, you're going to come over alright."
"You're not the boss of me anymore. Why should I?"
Don smiled cunningly at me.
"Because there's a very beautiful lady there waiting for you," said Don.
"Nothing you say can convince me... a lady? Waiting for me?" I denied then quickly became interested.
"That's right. In fact she's always talked about you even while you were still working for me. I know you're not employed with me anymore but I just thought you'd get to meet her after all this time. She's really sad that she doesn't see you around the office anymore," Don lied.
"Well I am a hit with the ladies. It's both a curse and a blessing. Both in a good way. But I don't know. I was going home," I said.
"Please come over, Rod. You don't want to just leave her back there waiting. This could be the very last time she gets to see you," said Don.
"You drive a really hard bargain. But okay. I'm doing it for her. I'm not doing it for you," I agreed.
"Oh, yes you are," Don muttered slyly.
"What, Don?" I asked.
"I said, let's not keep her waiting. Come on over and get to know her. She's just dying to meet you. Walk this way," said Don.
He walked over to his house with his arm extended and I followed walking just like him with my arm extended too. If there's one weakness I have, it's that I'm very easily submissive to a woman's needs. I just couldn't disappoint this woman who really wanted to meet me. At least, that's what I was made to believe.

We arrived at Don's doorstep and I could already hear the screaming and crying coming from inside the house.
"Oh man, she's really upset. I can't believe I almost didn't want to come," I said feeling pretty guilty.
"I'm sure just the sight of you will make her very happy," said Don.
He opened the door and we went in.
"Rod, my friend, it's time to meet Larissa," said Don.
"Larissa. What a beautiful name," I thought.
"For such a beautiful woman," Don added jokingly.
He escorted me over to the living room to meet Larissa and I was right behind him.
"Larissa? Dry those tears, sweetheart. There's someone here to see you," said Don.
Larissa stopped crying and Don stepped aside to reveal me. My eyes immediately widened in shock at the sight of this woman. Though Larissa was rather aroused by my appearance.
"A man!" Larissa exclaimed happily.
"Huh?!" I cried in shock then looked at Don who chuckled.
"This is Rodolfo, Larissa. Rod, please keep Miss Larissa company for a while, if you would?" said Don.
Don left Larissa and I alone as Larissa came over to me.
"Oh, you gorgeous hunka hunka burnin' love, you!" said Larissa.
"You're talking about me?" I asked.
"There's no one else here, lover boy. Lay one on me, Casanova," Larissa said as she puckered up for a kiss.
Not wanting to kiss her, I reached into Don's birdcage, grabbed his canary, and had Larissa kiss it then put it back in. The canary was disgusted, took out a tiny revolver, and went into his bird house then shot himself in his head with feathers flying out of the bird house hole. Larissa giggled with delight.
"Your tiny goatee, it tickles me so," said Larissa as she amorously petted my chin with her fingers.
"Oh, that's so nice," I said actually enjoying that.
I then immediately snapped out of it as Larissa dipped me and held me in her powerful arms.
"Oh baby. You small, dark, handsome sweetheart," Larissa sighed as she kissed my face repeatedly.
"Yuck!" I gagged in disgust.
"Kiss me again," Larissa requested.
"Well okay. But you have to close your eyes first," I said.
Larissa closed her eyes and puckered up expecting me to kiss her. Instead I walked away and left her there. After a moment waiting for me to kiss her, Larissa peaked and saw that I had vanished. Larissa giggled a bit.
"I love it when a man plays hard to get," she said.
With that, Larissa went off to search for me in the house.

Larissa went all through Don's house on the bottom floor to look for wherever I may be hiding from her.
"I know you are here somewhere, my little honey bunches of oats. I'm seeking for you, you're hiding from me. Where are you, my little angel cake?" Larissa called while looking for me.
She looked in every spot where I could be hiding. She searched in the kitchen fridge, lifted it as though it were weightless to check underneath it, looked under the table, in the cabinets, in the closet, and even under the rug as though I could even possibly hide under there without it being obvious. While Larissa was still searching, I was making my way to the exit disguised as Don's coat rack, hiding behind coats and jackets. Larissa turned and saw the coats moving then threw them off of me, exposing me. In what might have been my most desperate attempt to avoid her, I made like a mime and pretended to climb down a flight of stairs into the basement behind the couch. Larissa pushed the couch away like it was nothing and found me behind it where I was balled up all freaked out and shaking in terror at the fate that awaited me with her.
"Alright, big boy. Give to me a really big bear hug," Larissa demanded.
She pulled me close and gave me a strong bone-crushing embrace with her arms as I choked while turning blue.
"Aye guey!" I wheezed.
I managed to pull myself free from her grip and breathed deeply for air.
"Hold it, Ursula. That's not how you win a man over. When a man and woman meet, the first thing they do is get to know each other to discover compatibility. Know what I mean?" I explained.
Though Larissa was too lovestruck to catch on. I shook my head and decided to show her how it's done.
"Watch. I'll give you an example. We'll start from the beginning," I said.
I took her hand and gently shook it.
"Good evening to you, lady," I greeted.
"Good evening to you, sir," Larissa greeted back while shaking my hand hard enough to flail me about.
She then ran offscreen then came back in a bridal headpiece and a bouquet.
"Courtship is over. Now we get married," said Larissa.
I freaked out again and decided I didn't want to stick around any longer to be stuck with that forever. I ran for my life and escaped by breaking through Don's window. However, I returned through the front door with Don holding me at gunpoint as I slowly entered the house. He wasn't going to let me ruin his chances of getting this real estate agent to help him.
"It's gonna be one of those days," I groaned.

Now I was trapped inside Don's house with this crazy lovestruck woman again. Larissa and I were seated at the couch at opposite ends. Because of Larissa's weight, my end of the couch was up in the air. Larissa finished lighting candles in front of us as she slid closer to me. The end instantly dropped and legs of the couch snapped underneath us.
"Alright, big boy. It's time for touchy-feely, lovey-dovey," said Larissa as she began to grab and touch me all around.
"Hey hey hey hey! Stop that! It's a non-mature content deviation, lady!" I cried.
I pulled myself away and fell off the couch.
"Uh, how about we drop the touchy-feely stuff right now and just listen to some music?" I suggested.
"Fine with me," Larissa agreed.
She carried me over to Don's stereo. Larissa turned the music on and played an upbeat can-can musical which she danced to, while kicking some of Don's things across the room. I just stood there doing nothing.
"Dance with me, my lover poo," Larissa invited.
I shrugged my shoulders and decided to go through with it.
"Well alright, Lollobrigida. I'll do what I can-can," I agreed.
I joined Larissa in the can-can and deliberately kicked her in the rear, knocking her over. Just as she was about to get up, I kicked her again. She got up a third time and I kicked her a third time. I danced my way across the room, kicked the front door open, and danced right out of the house. But again, Don had me at gunpoint and I danced back inside. Larissa was posing on a dinner table waiting for me, despite the mean thing I just did to her.
"Come over here, my cutie-poo," said Larissa.
"Go on, cutie-poo. Go over there," Don ordered forcing the gun against my head.
"Alright, alright! I'll do what she says, Smokey McNosehair," I reluctantly agreed.
"Great. You two enjoy your little moment of passion as long as you need to. I'll be upstairs in my office," said Don.
Don took his gun and went upstairs leaving me alone with this she-beast of a lady yet again. He took out his sweepstakes ticket from earlier and kissed it again for extra luck.
"Besides, I have better things that await me," he said.
I looked at him sourly as Larissa pulled me away.

Larissa and I were having a romantic dinner together. Though calling it "romantic" would be exaggerating. All I wanted to do was get out of this. Larissa put her hand on my hand, crushing it on the table.
"You are so better than Barnaby. He didn't even want to be around me," said Larissa.
"I can't imagine why," I sarcastically groaned.
Then Larissa reached across the table pulled me over to her, clutching me tight.
"It was destiny that brought us together, my little poopsy. Just like in the movies," Larissa thought.
I pulled free from her hug before she could snap me in half. I then had another idea.
"Hey, you wanna do like they do in the movies? You know, when two lovers meet?" I offered.
"Good idea. Romeo and Juliet?" said Larissa.
"Nah. It's been done. I've got another one. Remember that movie, Aladdin?" I suggested.
Soon, Larissa was dressed as Princess Jasmine and I was dressed as Prince Ali.
"You have good taste, my sweet prince," said Larissa.
"Okay. It'll be like in the movie. I'll call you and you come out to the balcony. Got it, princess?" I instructed.
"I sure do," Larissa replied.
I left the room to go outside and stepped out. But instead of going through with the idea, I proceeded to leave Don's yard until Don appeared at the doorway armed with his gun just as I was about to leave.
"And where do you think you're going, Prince Charming?" Don asked.
Not wanting to get my head blown off I went around to the side of the house to meet Larissa. Don went back inside.

The evening was upon us and I was now standing outside Don's house under the balcony.
"Alright, Rodolfo. Be charming," I told myself.
I grabbed a stone and threw it at the window, shattering the glass and hitting Larissa in the head to get her attention.
"Oops! I was supposed to call her," I said with a sly expression.
Larissa stumbled onto the balcony in a daze from the blow to her head. But she saw me down below and instantly came to.
"Darling! There you are," she called down happily.
"Yes, it's me. Prince Ali Ababwabwabwababababwa... it's me," I stuttered.
Larissa giggled and blushed. She was enjoying this quite a lot.
"Well what are you waiting for? Come on up," Larissa suggested.
"Oh no, mi senorita bonita. You come to me. Let us run away together. Far away where no one can interfere with our love," I said then got down and begged "Please, princess! Let me take you away from these palace gates. Let's travel the world together. Let's go and be happy forevermore. Just the two us. I must have you by my side for eternity. Princess, please say you will come with me. Come with me and I will show you... a whole new world."
"Well since you put it that way. Alright then," Larissa happily agreed.
I held my arms out.
"Come to me, fairest princess in the land. I will catch you. Do you trust me?" I said then winced at the viewer and added "I wouldn't."
"Then here I come, my dashing darling. Catch me," said Larissa as she jumped off the edge.
Larissa took a long drop from the balcony and came falling down to my arms. However, I quickly retracted my arms and purposely missed her, letting her fall. She left a hole in her shape in the ground.
"Oops!" I faked then slyly said "You're right. You aren't just some prize to be won. I'll go now."
I set down a rug designed like the Magic Carpet and covered the Larissa-shaped hole with it then danced my way back into the house.
"Gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat, tell you all about it when I got the time," I sang as I entered the house and locked the door.

That was the final straw. Larissa was pounding violently on the front door extremely angry for what was likely the meanest thing I've done to her all day.
"OPEN THIS DOOR! LET ME IN!" Larissa demanded with rage.
It seemed Larissa was having enough of my shenanigans. Meanwhile, I had enough of Don's shenanigans myself. It was his fault for dragging me into this situation. It was time to get even. No longer wearing my Prince Ali outfit, I barged into Don's office interrupting him as he was enjoying a cigarette.
"Don! They're here! The people for the sweepstakes! They're here to see you!" I told him.
Don had a coughing fit after surprising him while he was puffing his cigarette.
"No way! I won?!" Don said excitedly.
He was just about to go downstairs but I stood in his way.
"Hold it, Don. There are camera's out there. You don't want to go out looking like this," I told him.
"You're right, Rod. I ought to freshen up. Wanna look good when I claim my five grand," Don agreed.
I helped Don dress his absolute finest, selecting the fanciest, most stunning outfit for him to wear. I helped him comb his hair and mustache as well.
"Here. This'll cover up the cigarette smell," I said spraying cologne on him to make him smell nice.
"Thanks, Rod. Now excuse me. I got a check to cash," said Don.
Don went downstairs to answer the pounding on the door and I followed. I didn't want to miss this.

Don brushed his suit with his hands and answered the door to an angry Larissa, whose anger turned into affection the instant she saw Don at the door.
"Larissa?" Don gasped not expecting her to be at the door.
Larissa stepped inside and glared at me sourly.
"I don't like you anymore," she told me. Then she turned to Don and told him "But you, I do like! Lay one on me, big boy."
Larissa puckered up as Don backed away from her slowly.
"Oh hell no!" he groaned in fear.
Don immediately ran right out the door and Larissa pursued.
"Darling! Darling! Darling!" Larissa laughed and called out to him.
The two ran away into the distance leaving me behind. I've never seen a large man and woman run so fast like that. Now that Larissa was over me and I got even with Don, I could finally go home.
"What a hefty, happy couple. I wonder how's he going to explain that to his wife?" I said.
I then noticed Don's ticket on the floor and picked it up.
"Looks like Smokey McNosehair forgot his ticket," I said.
Just then several vans showed up in front of Don's yard and a camera crew stepped out. The spokesperson from the sweepstakes commercial came over to me with a giant cardboard check.
"Are you Mr. Don?" he asked me.
"No. You just missed him. But I have his ticket," I said showing Don's ticket.
"Oh? Then that makes you the lucky duck who has won the Lucky Duck Sweepstakes instead!" the spokesperson announced.
"I win? You mean it?" I said excitedly.
"Here is your grand prize. $5,000! You lucky dog! Err, duck," the spokesperson congratulated me.
He presented me with the giant check for five grand as the cameras all filmed me and took pictures.
"Sweet! Double sweet! Thanks a million! Or five thousand," I thanked.
"You've earned it," said the spokesperson.
"Oh, you bet I did. After six years of waiting for back payment," I said.
I decided to take Don's five thousand he was lucky enough to win for myself. After coming up short every payday for the six years I've worked for him, I settled on that for what I thought I should've received. Besides, he wasn't there to receive the prize money anyway. A journalist came over to me.
"So whaddaya gonna do with your prize, pal?" he asked.
I thought hard on what I could possibly spend it on. I got an idea and smiled.

Soon enough, a small portion of the property Don intended to purchase was sold which was right next door to the UPS office. Two former coworkers of mine, Jim and Ernesto, were loading packages onto a delivery truck when a wrapper flew right into Jim's face.
"Goddammit Rod! Keep your garbage off UPS premises!" he bickered.
"Sorry, Jim," I apologized not really meaning it.
I used Don's five grand to purchase a portion of the land to open a burrito shack and was serving burritos to the customers. With just five thousand, I couldn't really purchase the entire land but was glad to own this little shack before Don could take what I own. Jim and Ernesto looked on in envy.
"Ragtag!" said Jim.
"Jackass!" said Ernesto.
"Bastard!"
"Rat trash!"
"Just a little snack guys," I sang with a burrito in hand and took a bite.
Those guys can continue slaving for Smokey McNosehair their whole lives if they want. As for me, I'm going to enjoy my well deserved freedom and satisfaction that I got even with Don for his abuse, stinginess, and hooking up me with Larissa for his own personal gain. Now I have other things to achieve with nothing holding me back. And I've waited a very long time for that.